Hallowed Hypocrisy

A recent episode of “Brad Melzer’s: Decoded” delved into the mysterious death of Pope John Paul I in 1978.  The investigative crew opened up the suspicion that Vatican officials didn’t conduct a full and open investigation because the newly elected pope might have exposed some of the church’s secretive practices and corruption within its ranks.  This topic always perks up my ears, since I’ve long been anticipating the unraveling of this hypocritical establishment that has recently faced the exposure of widespread sexual abuse of children by its clergy.

The team first looked into the fact that the Vatican is a sovereign state, so the pope’s death was subject only to an internal investigation.  Some Italian prosecutors and at least one investigative journalist ended up murdered in the aftermath.  Next they explored the fact that JPI was possibly a reformer and some speculated that he was about to out corruption inside the church.  Before becoming pontiff, JPI had visited with the last remaining child who had witnessed the Fatima ‘miracle’ and had also been involved with the Vatican Bank in Venice.  Apparently the well-meaning pontiff discovered that the prophecy was about his intention to reveal the infiltration of Freemasons into the church’s hierarchy, as well as corruption within the Vatican Bank.

In summary, Brad Melzer asked: “Who would’ve predicted the Vatican would end up laundering heroine money for the Mafia to cover up a Freemason banking scandal that ends up with the murder of the pope?  Our Lady of Fatima.”

If the church is so corrupt, as has been proven beyond a doubt over the centuries, why do people continue their membership?  The recent exposure of child abuse by the clergy makes it abundantly clear that no child is safe around their ‘celibate’ priests.   Even with evidence of monetary corruption, people continue to contribute tax-free dollars to the Vatican’s ‘vow of poverty’.  If it’s ever proven that Vatican officials murdered a pope and they used the ‘vow of obedience’ to cover it up, would people still believe in what this institution stands for?  Does this make any sense?

Fear is the greatest tool of a negative regime and, while coercive practices are outlawed in most societies, they are at the root of most religious doctrines.  From my perspective, as someone who broke away early in my life from the apparent hypocrisy of Catholicism, people are simply desperate for someone to look after their spirit (soul) after they die.  As religious institutions are aware of this fateful fear, they offer it to anyone on this planet who is willing to accept that an organization could provide a secure position in the afterlife.  Why would anyone trust the most precious part of their being to such a manmade institution?

When I see the billions of people that have lumped their spirits into the various religious organizations that divide our planet, I perceive an underlying spiritual battle that fuels their incessant demand for more members.  Even the most seemingly benevolent religious organizations place spiritual impediments on their members to ensure that they will comply with the requirements of membership.  The very notion of praying for someone else is a breach of the recipient’s free will.

The fact that the Catholic Church has paid hundreds of millions of dollars to suppress the public testimony of thousands of abuse victims is reason enough to avoid the church like the plague.  I could express at length the contradictions, but I believe that anyone that has experienced such deliberate infractions of their free will already understands.  I’m glad that the mainstream media is bringing to light such hypocrisy with such shows as “Decoded”, since so many are unable to believe it’s really true.

From my perspective, I had been searching for a way to fulfill my own spiritual needs, until I acknowledged that my spirit is a unique entity that is within me for my well-being and that I alone am responsible for its progress.

 

Find out how to get started working with your spirit by visiting my website at OnlyPositiveKnowledge.com !

I welcome and value your input~Please feel free to comment! 

 

Religion Can Strike a Sour Chord

My Other KeyboardFor most of my life I’ve quietly been a non-believer and it always amazes me how adults continue to believe in the creation and other stories that their religions narrate.  While I still respect the choice that religious people make to believe in something as intangible, abstract and incredible as an omnipotent being that created everything from scratch, it would be less farfetched to worship the big bang.  However, when you think about how children are conditioned and encouraged in very clever ways to follow the footsteps of their parents or government into a given religion, it’s not hard to understand why religious beliefs are so embedded into the minds of almost all human beings.

Recently a client mentioned to me how fortunate she felt because she had never been indoctrinated into any religious belief system as a child.  I felt so pleased for her, because she had never been forced to participate in such an incarceration of the mind.  I reflected on my own catholic upbringing that was filled with conditioning by experts. My earliest memory of being punished was when I was three years old.  I had just returned from having attended church for the first time without my mother.  Our neighbor, a staunch religious woman, had caught me “sweeping the floor” with my nose, and advised my mother to punish me immediately with a spanking.  My mother questioned this advice but, because she was being pressured by one of her peers, duly spanked me for my irreverence.  Even though I protested that all I had been doing was counting the boots of the people in the row in front of us!

After learning that I was to do everything exactly as everyone else did while in the house of cards, I became an observer.  I used to watch everyone as they entered the church: walking up to the basin of holy water, dipping their finger in and genuflecting down on one knee as they crossed themselves with the blessed liquid.  Everyone was so serious, all dressed up in their finery.  If a young girl forgot to wear a hat or scarf over her head, a helpful mother would kindly provide her with a Kleenex and bobby pin to ensure her respectful appearance.

One Sunday there was an unexpected transition from the normal solemn mood of the mass.  The organist, who happened to have been my first grade teacher, suddenly stood up while playing one of the livelier tunes that she usually played with such reverence.  As she stood up, she looked around as though she was expecting everyone’s admiration.  My mother who led the choir looked at her with some surprise.  As the weeks went by, the organist continued to stand, then even smile and move in rhythm with the music as the pressure for attention mounted.  To everyone’s relief, the poor woman was soon replaced, so that the somber monotony could resume.

It was around that time, when I was about 12 years old, that my mother announced that I was going to be able to take piano lessons.  I was ecstatic at the prospect of finally learning to play the big old upright that stood in our dining room.  Some of my older five sisters had started lessons, but never seemed to stay with it.  For two and a half years, I was the happiest person around.  I practiced piano every day before dinner, but was among the shiest of all pianists. When my mother brought company over and asked me to play, I would agree only if they all sat in the other room.  I was so happy that I didn’t have to take lessons at the convent, where tales of yardsticks as weapons were wielded on faulty fingers. When I won first place at a regional piano competition, I was both proud and relieved because they had allowed me to focus while I played facing a wall.

However, soon my musical elation would be thoroughly quashed as religion interfered.  One day as I was getting money for the bus to go to my weekly lesson, my mother mentioned that I could soon start learning to play the organ at the church.  I looked at her with incredulity.  My immediate response was: “Then I’ll quit!”  To which my mother responded: “You’ll regret it!” I felt threatened and came back with: “I might regret it, but I’ll never play the organ at church!”  I knew only too well how many hours had to be spent playing at the church while the choir practiced.  And who would always be popping in to see the ladies but the depraved priest that had raped me a few years earlier!  Even more troubling was when the priest accepted my mother’s invitation to dinner that Easter.  It was difficult to sit across the table from that man, knowing that he was held under such esteem by my mother, while I was still under his threat not to tell or my family would be punished.

Although music and religion have intertwined since ancient times, from when temples were built to maximize the impact of sounds and song to when many musical artists attribute their talents to early song worship, religion always strikes a sour chord for me.  It brought me nothing but grief as a child and continuously presents divisiveness on our planet.  In a world where freedom is of concern to us all, what about the religious freedom of children? Despite all the physical and psychological efforts by the religious conditioners in my early life, I’m glad that I was able to see through the hypocrisy and rationally decide for myself about the notion of God.

On the positive side, my experience set me on a spiritual search for meaning in my life.  It wasn’t until I started working with my spirit that I finally understood that the ultimate goal of every human should be to personally attain harmony with their spirit.

 

 

Find out how to get started working with your spirit by visiting my website at OnlyPositiveKnowledge.com !

I welcome and value your input~Please feel free to comment! 

*Light: The pure white light of the universe; purely positive energy; not associated with any one religion or deity; I work spiritually with people from every background from around the globe

What’s in Healing Energy?

Poster of letter received from woman whose terminal cancer was healed by Leo Jean in 1987In order to experience a successful healing, a person should eliminate all other spiritual influences from the process; fully trust their decision to accept the healing; and continue the positive energy momentum into the future.

While I was captivated by children’s receptiveness to Leo Jean’s healing, I was equally interested in the reaction of adults.  When Leo directs the energy of the pure white Light* into the recipient of a healing, an instantaneous physical change can take place.   One notable example from twenty years ago that comes to mind was the case of a 57-year-old Portuguese woman (we’ll call her Teresa), who came from her home in Bermuda to see us in Ontario, Canada.  When Teresa came into Leo’s office, she was carrying some documents that her niece explained were the X-rays that had been taken a few weeks earlier.  Teresa had undergone surgery for lung cancer but, upon looking inside of her right lung, the surgeon had stitched her back up, stating that there was nothing they could do for her.  After Teresa had pulled up her sweater to show us the very large scar that went from her back around her rib cage, she indicated with both hands that the cancer was the size of a grapefruit.

Leo very calmly asked Teresa if she was ready to have the cancer removed.  Teresa shook her head in the affirmative, and said that she was too young to die.  She wanted to continue working at the job she had started over 20 years earlier.  Then Leo asked Teresa if she prayed a lot.  Teresa started to describe how she attended mass every day at the church that was just down the street from her house in Bermuda.  She prayed a lot!  Leo went on to ask Teresa if she would stop praying so that he could perform the healing.  Teresa looked up with tearful eyes and agreed to stop praying, if it was going to help her healing.

Leo explained that, when someone prays, they automatically summon spirits.  In order for Leo to effectively help Teresa, she would have to stop summoning spirits, because they would bring negative energy that would interfere with his work.  Teresa asked if it would be all right to continue to pray and go to church after she was healed.  Leo told Teresa that, if she wanted to do so, that was her concern. As Leo did the initial healing work, she would continue the healing on her own.  She was already feeling much better within a few visits.

On her final visit, Teresa’s husband came in with her to meet us.  He wasn’t happy at all.  When he walked into the room, he blasted out at Leo that his wife was one of the best Catholics he knew, always praying and going to church.  Leo said that it was none of his concern and that he should go wait in the car, since he was interfering with his wife’s healing.  Teresa’s husband stormed out, and she was apologetic.  Once she returned home, she might consider never going back to that church again.

A month later, one of Teresa’s daughters came to receive a healing from Leo.  She told us how Teresa had gone back to her doctor for more X-rays.  The tumor was completely gone already, and the doctor couldn’t explain it.  Teresa was happily back at work and still arguing with her husband about going to church every day. Soon afterward, we received a thank you letter from Teresa with a money order.  It was her custom that a person should send money every month to someone who had saved their life.  We returned a letter stating that she was under no obligation to us.  It had been a pleasure to work with her and to teach her how to work with her spirit.  The following summer her youngest daughter came from Bermuda to see us. (See letter at end of post)

It was such an incredible experience for me to be present during the healing of a terminal cancer!  By abandoning her lifelong habit of summoning spirits, Teresa had chosen to live a positive life without the fear of reprisal from some deity.  The healing energy that Leo had directed into the tumor had effectively destroyed the cancer cells.  Teresa had allowed the healing to take place by proper refusal at the spiritual level and that, in turn, allowed her body to reject the cancer.

Leo cautioned me that not everyone is willing to accept a healing, since many people are clouded by negative thoughts about the process.  Fear and doubt will both cause them to block the healing energy, so a person must feel totally confident about their decision before they make a request for a healing.

Not long after we worked with Teresa, we worked with a woman whose husband was a nuclear physicist.  After Leo successfully worked with his wife, he was so curious about the process that he asked for a healing himself.  Leo casually mentioned that he would like to find an instrument that could somehow measure the Light energy that he emitted during a healing.  Upon his next visit, the physicist brought with him a Roentgen scale that measures X-rays and gamma rays present in an environment. Leo held the small cylindrical device in one hand as he sent the healing energy to his wife through the other.  There was a marked change from the normal setting on the scale.  The physicist lifted his eyebrows a little.  He said he’d leave the meter with us until he returned the following week when it should have reset itself.

The next week when the physicist and his wife arrived, Leo announced that he was going to increase the power that would be measured by holding the Roentgen scale himself.  Leo concentrated his power on the scale and then handed it to the physicist.  The man’s jaw dropped as he took a careful look at the scale that now showed the highest reading.  He shook his head and said he couldn’t believe it.  He said that he had never before heard of this scale ever reaching this point.  In his expert opinion it was impossible.  At that point he told us to keep the scale, since he could never return it to his workplace to be recharged.

We subsequently met an instruments engineer who, upon showing him the Roentgen scale, asked where we had obtained it.  He told us that such an instrument is regularly used in settings where radioactivity is monitored, such as in nuclear plants or around X-ray machines.  We later learned that the nuclear physicist was one of the world’s foremost authorities in his field.  Maybe one day we’ll be able to find a device that will effectively measure the physical properties of the pure white Light that Leo uses in his healing.

As we continue our work together, Leo continues to make advances into the detection and removal of much higher-level negative energy sources.  Twenty years ago we began working at a distance with clients who had initially come to see us in person.  Now we regularly work with people from around the world over the phone, with similar results as though they were in the same room.

The positive flow of healing energy traverses any distance to a willing receiver who properly refuses external spiritual influences, fully trusts in the process and commits to ongoing work with their spirit.

(Note: These events actually happened over 20 years ago; I just changed the names for the purpose of confidentiality.)

Find out how to get started working with your spirit by visiting my website at OnlyPositiveKnowledge.com !

I welcome and value your input~Please feel free to comment! 

*Light: The pure white light of the universe; purely positive energy; not associated with any one religion or deity; I work spiritually with people from every background from around the globe

Related posts:

How We Heal Across Distance
10 Reasons To Work With Your Spirit
Children’s Choices

Poster of letter received from woman whose terminal cancer was healed by Leo Jean in 1987

Children’s Choices

Leo Jean's pencil crayon painting: "Mermaid"In a follow up to my previous post, “We Are All Spiritual Beings”, I thought it would be fitting to illustrate some of the fundamental principles of working with your spirit.   In order to simplify what it means to make choices with your spirit, I picked out two examples of how children make choices for their own well-being, based on their spiritual orientation (whether they’re positively or negatively oriented). It might help to know that the healing of a child is an exceptional situation, since animals and children are exempt from the effects of placebos (as stated by a medical doctor I once met). Note that the healing process we use entails only the removal of negative spirits and negative energy from the subject and the introduction of a new positively-oriented spirit. Once the healing process is initiated, the participant must do the recommended work on their own to complete their healing.

There are two cases of natural or spiritual healing of children that stand out during the first few years that I worked with Leo Jean. The results exemplified the most negative and most positive reactions by the children working with their replacement spirits.

The first child (we’ll call her Anna) was brought to Leo by her grandmother.  Anna was born blind and her mother died in childbirth in Trinidad.  When her father abandoned her, Anna’s grandmother took custody and brought her to Ontario, Canada.  Over the years, Anna had been taken to many specialists who all agreed that she would never see, for her retinas had never developed and her eyeballs remained the size of an infant’s.  In addition, Anna’s problems included: chronic pneumonia; asthma, which forced her to use a breathing compressor four times daily; deformity of the feet, making her unable to walk without special shoes; many allergies, especially to eggs, dairy products and strawberries; and malnutrition due to lack of appetite.  She had been in regular attendance as a resident at a blind institute and made frequent visits to the Hospital for Sick Kids in Toronto as a result of her many ailments, the most recent being two holes in her lungs. Leo never backed down from any challenge, and I was perplexed at the prospect of being able to help a child whose eyes had never developed.

We met Anna in the summer of 1987, when she was 11 years old.    She was exceptionally bright and very articulate.  She accepted the initial healing and began to do the follow up work on her own at her grandmother’s house.  During the first half-hour healing session, Anna began to cough up a lot of phlegm.  By the fourth session, twelve days later, Anna was regaining her appetite, was walking with more stability, was coughing much less and had reduced by half her time on the asthma control mask.

During the eleventh session, ten days later, Anna demonstrated good control over the movement of her eyelids, which had always remained closed since early childhood.  She had stopped using the breathing compressor a week earlier and was showing good progress with the straightening of her legs and feet.

Three days later, Anna had been scheduled for surgery at Sick Children’s to repair the holes in her lungs, so her grandmother wanted to keep the appointment as a precaution.  When the intern checked Andrea’s lungs and could find nothing wrong with them, she called the specialist who also tested her.  He was amazed that there was no wheezing whatsoever, when only a couple of weeks earlier he had recommended surgery.

By the fourteenth session, one month after her first visit, Anna began to pick up movement and light or shadow.  Her grandmother said that she was watching her closely and that she was really making progress.  One day her grandmother took her to MacDonalds and she ordered her some pancakes.  Only later did she realize that the pancakes were made with eggs, and Anna had had no allergic reaction.  Then Anna began to dream and would wake up in the morning and tell her grandmother about her dreams.  She was describing her dreams in color, but she had never actually been capable of seeing color.  The grandmother checked and learned that blind people don’t dream because they have no visual references with which to formulate images.

During the next month Anna started attending a summer program at the blind institute and much of the work was undone during that time.  When she came to see us at the end of the summer, Leo noticed that Anna was limping again and was no longer excited about the possibility of having eyesight.  He asked her if she wanted to continue with the healing work.  Much to the horror of her grandmother, Anna stated in a very steady voice: “I look forward to my next school term.  I’m going to get an electronic cane and get MS, just like my friend!”  Leo and I said that it was her decision, if that’s what she wanted.

At that point Leo had to console Anna’s grandmother, who was in tears upon hearing that statement.  Anna had just exercised her free will.  That was our signal to back off and allow her to experience exactly what she wanted in life.  It was, after all, her life and, no matter how much her grandmother wanted for her to be healed, she had to want it for herself. This young girl had actually been doing the healing while working with her spirit, while Leo removed the negative influences that interfered with her.  Soon after she had decided to reject the healing and stop working with her spirit, the positive spirit that Leo had provided left and another spirit took over Anna’s form.

The instance of working with another child with a positive outcome shows what wonders can be accomplished when a person fully participates in the healing process.  This time the work involved a 3-year-old boy (we’ll call him Jose) originally from Argentina whose mother had brought him to see Leo because: “He’s always out playing in the mud.  He never wants to pick up a pencil to write or a crayon to draw.”  Jose also had large patches of eczema on both his lower legs, suffered from frequent stomachaches and was afraid to fall asleep at night.  He wasn’t learning English yet, and spoke only Spanish.

On their first visit, Leo asked Jose if he would like a nice spirit like the sparkly one he was holding in his hand.  Jose said that he would like that spirit.  Then he told us that his spirit would grow as big as Leo’s spirit.  I asked him where Leo’s spirit was, and he said: “Right there!” and pointed to his forehead.  Leo showed Jose how to remove the dead and damaged cells from his legs and how to bring in the new healthy cells to take away the red spots and stop the itching.  Jose said: “I will make it all go away.”

Then Leo asked Jose if he would like to use his mind power to make a spoon bend. (It’s something that Leo uses to assure people  that they can direct energy from their mind to use the Light* to perform self-healing by using the same energy to excite the molecules in the metal.)  Little Jose was fascinated with how the spoon bent as Leo held it, and wanted to do it on his own.  We gave him a lesson on how to bend the spoon and he was so happy to be going home to practice.

A week later, when Jose came in to see us, his mother brought her mother to meet us.  Jose’s mother said: “I don’t know what you did, but look at him!  He wanted to wear his best clothes today.”  Jose proudly walked in and told us that he wanted to write everything like we did, as he started to imitate our writing.  His mother and grandmother agreed that he had made significant changes already.  He was picking up his toys and straightening his room.  His attention span was greatly improved and he was suddenly speaking English.  He grinned at Leo and said that he already knew how to speak English as he pulled up his pant leg.  The eczema was gone.  Leo asked him about the other leg.  He said: “This week, this leg.  Next week, the other leg!”  Then he said to his mother, as he motioned upward with his hands: “Leo goes way out, so far and so fast that you can’t even understand.”  He was describing how Leo enters another dimension as he removes spirits.  Jose’s mother was obviously very pleased with the positive outcome of her son’s healing.

Jose’s mother said that he had been practicing with some spoons at their restaurant.  The grandmother looked on with a bit of a frown.  Then Jose said, as he reached for a spoon from the box on the desk: “Look at what I can do!”  The little boy rubbed the spoon at the neck, as we had shown him, while directing his mind energy at that spot.  But, to my utter astonishment, he actually pulled the spoon apart as it made a slight tinkling sound.  I couldn’t believe the power of that little guy’s mind!  Incredible!  However, grandma wasn’t happy.  She muttered: “That’s evil.”  I guess she was religious.

The following week, when Jose came to see us with his mom, he gleefully showed us the other leg, where the eczema had completely cleared up.  He said that he no longer had stomachaches and was no longer afraid to go to sleep in his own bed.  He showed us the writing that he had been practicing.  His mother said that now, when he waited around the restaurant, he was spending more time writing letters and numbers and drawing, instead of crawling around on the floor.   Little Jose will always be one of the most amazing children that I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with.

So, here were two stories of children who had both accepted an initial healing.  Then one child decided that she’d rather stay negative, while the other child made the decision to live a more positive life.  Neither child was right or wrong, and we can’t judge them for the decision they each chose.  We can think that Anna’s condition was way worse and probably wouldn’t have worked.  We’ll never know, because Anna‘s spirit, the one that created her, had made her blind.  Anna’s grandmother wanted her to see, but maybe Anna, at some level, never wanted to see.  Who are we to say?  Young Jose, on the other hand, displayed enormous spiritual knowhow and reveled in it, once he was released from the imbalance of a spirit that wasn’t well suited to his body.  Each child made a choice of what was right for them and they lived on accordingly.

(Note: These events actually happened over 20 years ago; I just changed the names for the purpose of confidentiality.)

Find out how to get started working with your spirit by visiting my website at OnlyPositiveKnowledge.com !

I welcome and value your input~Please feel free to comment! 

*Light: The pure white light of the universe; purely positive energy; not associated with any one religion or deity; I work spiritually with people from every background from around the globe

1. Early Impetus

My life changed significantly when I learned to work with my spirit over 25 years ago, and I could then view my existence in a whole new perspective.  Perhaps my story will inspire you to work with your spirit as you search for meaning in your life.

Ever since I was a young child I pondered the reason for my existence.  How did we come to be on this planet and for what purpose are we here?  Burdened with a childhood steeped in deep religious doctrine, I began to break away at the age of 8, at least in my thoughts, from the notion that God was the most important factor in my life.  It was at that time that I remember lying in bed and saying to myself: “I’m not worthy to be married to God.”  I had just decided that I didn’t want to be a nun, as my mother had been nurturing me to be up to that point.

It wasn’t the first time that I had questioned catholic doctrine as a child, like in the first grade.  My teacher was telling my class all about how our religion doesn’t worship pagan gods, statues or idols.  I put up my hand and asked the legitimate question: “But what about all the statues in our church?”  That question met with firm facial disapproval by the teacher, as she quickly changed the subject.

Later on in 1966, at the age of 10, I was still trying to meet the standards that every “good” catholic girl is supposed to strive for.  I had excelled in my catholic studies and was already “confirmed” by the bishop.  In the spring I volunteered to teach religious doctrine by introducing the catechism to 1st grade catholic children who were attending the local protestant school.  Two other students had also volunteered and we met in the church basement on Wednesdays after school.  After our class on the third week, I decided to show my fellow instructors how to make prank calls on the phone in the basement kitchen, like one of my sisters had done a few days earlier.  We were laughing away at one of the calls, when a voice came on the phone, obviously the priest who had picked up the receiver upstairs, telling us to stay right were we were.

An endless minute later, Father LeFaive came charging down an interior stairway (that I never knew existed) and broke open the door.  He was livid with anger, asking who was responsible for talking on his phone.  Being the ultimate honest child, I admitted my guilt and the priest told the other children to go home.  He pointed to a tray of plastic glasses on the counter of the kitchen, and ordered me to bring it upstairs for him.  I climbed the stairs with the tray of plastic glasses with such fear of punishment that I could barely breathe.  I knew that I was in deep trouble when the priest told my mother what I had done.

To my surprise, when we entered the upstairs doorway, we entered into the priest’s kitchen, not into the church itself.  My heart was pounding with fear by then, as the good father told me to put the tray down on the counter.  Then he told me to go through the archway leading into the hallway but, instead of turning right and going into the vestry, he pointed over my shoulder to go through the doorway straight ahead.  As I entered the room I saw that it was the priest’s bedroom.  The bed was immediately to my left, while I remember looking at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall.  I wondered what he was going to do, as I watched him in the mirror.

Well, it didn’t take but a few seconds upon entering the room, when Father LeFaive told me to lie down on the bed.  Of course, I did so immediately.  He was, after all, my priest.  I saw him undoing his belt, and so I thought that he was going to beat me.  However, as I was entering a state of panic, he told me to close my eyes and go to sleep.  I remember peaking through my almost-closed eyelids as I watched the priest and I went into some sort of altered state as I left my body to the sexual punishment meted out by that sick man of god (I omitted the capitalization on purpose).  When I returned to consciousness, my clothes were back on and we were in the vestry.  Father LeFaive looked me square in the eyes and said to me, in no uncertain terms: “Run home now, or you’ll be late.  You can’t tell anyone what happened.  If you ever tell your mother or anyone, the devil will punish your entire family!”

Wow!  That kind of ended my belief in any kind of benevolent deity.  So my search for a real meaning to my life began in earnest.  When I was a disgruntled teenager (no wonder!) I asked my mother on a few occasions why the priest would have taken me into his bedroom.  My mother would be so indignant when I brought up that subject that it took a lot of courage for me to break into such conversations.  Her response was always to shrug and say that I must have seen the inside of the priest’s house from the vestry or gone in when my younger brothers were altar boys.  Then, as I would try to relate the exact details to explain what had happened, she never listened, and always insisted that I was mistaken.  Her religious beliefs blinded her to my plight, and our relationship became intolerable.

Something similar had happened when I was 6 years old, on my first sleepover at one of my classmate’s.  Our moms were best friends; my mother was the choir leader at our little church in the village, and her mother sang alongside her.   My friend’s father was one of the two village policemen, and he used to sit in his easy chair in the livingroom and shout out orders.  During the night, as my friend and I lay asleep in her bed together, I woke up to find that her father was pulling me down to the foot of the bed.  I asked him what he was doing, and he told me to go back to sleep.  I watched as he pulled my girlfriend down, then I went back to sleep.  In the morning, when my friend’s mother asked me how I slept, I told her that her husband had “come in and woke us up”.  She dismissed my statement stating that he had just gone to use the bathroom.  When my mother arrived to pick me up, I immediately told her about being awakened in the middle of the night, and the other woman looked at her and explained that he had just gone to use the bathroom.

As I grew into adulthood I always remembered these events vividly, but I never dealt with the emotional impact that they had on me.  What kind of a world was I living in, when the people that I was supposed to trust and idealize as protectors were raping me in the middle of the night or in a church, as they pleased?  My mother, who was supposed to be my most trusted guardian, could only dismiss my allegations as some sort of imaginary concoction or misinterpretation of the events.  As a result of my fear of reprisal from the church and my mother’s non-action, I learned to keep things to myself after that.  Since these two very notable experiences had happened during my primary development years, I was hardly able to deal with them on my own.  At home I was nicknamed “Gluck”, short for “Gloria the Suck”, because I was always crying for my mother.

As a result of my early childhood experiences, I was extremely shy. Although I was able to articulate my viewpoints with my close friends, I was unable to master any form of communication with groups.  Instead, I would utter some silly phrase or out-of-context comment that would make others look at me strangely.  As a teenager I decided that I wasn’t going to follow the path that everyone else was heading for.  I couldn’t, because I had these terrible secrets, and felt I would never fit in.  So I abandoned the ideals that had been presented to me as a child, and began to search for more meaning in my life.  I felt there was something terribly hypocritical about the trappings of a so-called normal life, so I decided that I would seek that which was real.  At least what was real to me.

I wanted to know about my purpose here.  I didn’t want a fairy tale.  Then at age fifteen, I had some of the most profound five minutes of my life, when I was presented with the seeds to my quest for substance in my existence.